


The Voice that Urged Orpheus

by thenotyetpublishedpen



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Brief suicidal ideation, Canonical Character Death, Catharsis, Established Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Fix-It of Sorts, Flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, Inspired by Orpheus and Eurydice (Ancient Greek Religion & Lore), M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Order of the Phoenix (Harry Potter), Original Order of the Phoenix - Freeform, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Remus Lupin has panic attacks, Werewolf Remus Lupin, Whump, Why don't we see Remus at all in OOTP after Sirius dies?, Yearning, beyond the Veil, flashbacks to Marauder's Era, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:41:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 16,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26581579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thenotyetpublishedpen/pseuds/thenotyetpublishedpen
Summary: Remus watched the green light fade far too slowly from the room, pulling all color with it. Or perhaps the world had always been this instantly, achingly, empty. He ran forward, pulled by an invisible line to the arch, compelling him to follow. He would have. He wanted to. Damn the killing curse, damn the arch, Sirius was just right there, just on the other side. He could reach him. He had to.Remus decides to bring Sirius back from beyond the veil.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 33
Kudos: 73





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title is a line from "Talk" by Hozier
> 
> I condemn JKR’s transphobic views. As a member of the LGBT community I fully support my trans siblings. Trans women are women, trans men are men, and non-binary people are valid in their identity. They deserve love, support, and respect. With my fan fiction work I aim to tell the stories of characters who weren’t primary characters within the original work and increase the representation of marginalized identities, whether that be gender, sexuality, or race. The Harry Potter world as a whole does belong to JKR, but the stories we create from it belong to us: the readers.

_ It seemed to take Sirius an age to fall. His body curved in a graceful arc as he sank backward through the ragged veil hanging from the arch…  _

Remus watched the green light fade far too slowly from the room, pulling all color with it. Or perhaps the world had always been this instantly, achingly, empty. He ran forward, pulled by an invisible line to the arch, compelling him to follow. He would have. He wanted to. Damn the killing curse, damn the arch, Sirius was just right there,  _ just _ on the other side. He could reach him. He had to.

Another person running in the same direction managed to break Remus out of his trance.  _ Harry.  _ Remus collided with Harry, wrapping his arms around the boy and holding him back. The shock of knowing that Harry would run in too, Harry would dive through the veil to his death, was enough to wake something rational inside him.

“There’s nothing you can do, Harry-”

“Get him, save him, he’s only just gone through!”

“It’s too late, Harry-”

“We can still reach him;”

“There’s nothing you can do, Harry… nothing...He’s gone.”

Remus pulled them both to the ground, the effort of it straining muscles that screamed at him to just let go.

“He hasn’t gone!” Harry yelled “Sirius! SIRIUS!” 

“He can’t come back, Harry.” Remus said, voice breaking. “He can’t come back because he’s d-”

“He’s not dead! Sirius!”

A nearby explosion as a curse hit far too close to them reminded Remus that though his own world had stopped there was still a battle happening around him. He dragged Harry, still kicking and screaming Sirius’s name, behind a dais. He felt the boy finally go limp in his arms but kept hold of him. If he let go he knew he’d throw himself through the veil. He knew Harry would go after him. 

Neville was struggling against some sort of jinx, which was enough to ground Remus somewhat. His students were here.  _ They _ needed him.  _ Harry _ needed him.  _ James  _ needed him to not break down, to save his son.  _ Siri-  _ he could not finish the thought. 

Remus lifted the jinx on Neville and tried to regroup. It was too much. He would collect the kids and get them out: too dangerous to stay. He did not trust himself to stay, couldn’t look at the arch. Couldn’t look at the arch. Could not look at the arch. 

The hollowness in his chest began to bubble into something far too hot. It crawled through his veins, somehow turning his body icy against the heat. He tried to take deep breaths through his nose but they came too fast and would not fill his lungs. When a loud bang nearby startled the kids he did not have the strength to keep his grip on Harry. Off the boy ran, leaving a trembling Remus Lupin curled around himself on the ground, still grasping a hand that was no longer there. 

***

If he could have summoned the emotion for it he would have been glad the O.W.L.S. took place before the  _ events _ at the Department Of Mysteries. Umbridge had been swiftly kicked out soon after Dumbledore’s return and Voldemort’s reveal to the ministry. Minerva kindly suggested that he return to Hogwarts temporarily and take her place. Just until they hired a new professor, of course. He was no use as a teacher now, preferring to stay locked in the little bedroom off of his old office at Hogwarts. It was oddly empty, not the familiar academic mess he was used to, but cleared of its previous resident’s things. 

Someone must have asked the house elves to bring meals to him. He vaguely noticed plates of food appearing and then disappearing later, untouched by him. He couldn’t bear to face the rest of the Order. He couldn’t handle their pitying looks; the whispered words to a widower. He couldn’t return to their bedroom at Grimmauld Place. He imagined the bed was still unmade, sheets in a tangle: victims to Sirius’s frankly alarmingly dog-like high body temperature. He missed the warm weight of arms wrapped around him. His little bed at Hogwarts was too cold. Their bed at Grimmauld Place would stay cold. 

It was not fair. He had just gotten Sirius back. The guilt of believing the lie, believing that Sirius had betrayed Lily and James, that he had murdered Peter, still gnawed at him. He would never forgive himself for not fighting his way to Azkaban and freeing Sirius himself. How could he have believed that  _ his _ Sirius would do that? The achingly loyal man he spent his whole life loving could never murder their closest friends. He tried to repeat the same lie that kept him going for twelve years. There was nothing he could do. Nothing he could do. 

The first night after The Battle reminded him too much of that night in late October fifteen years ago. Minerva whisked him out of sight, saving him from dealing with the others. She held him tightly, holding his body together while his mind collapsed. 

He woke up alone.

There would be no funeral. No memorial service for a man the world had given up on a decade and a half ago. The rest of the Order could mourn amongst themselves, pass around the moving photographs and add him to the growing list of their dead. Remus could not handle sitting alone at yet another funeral. For James and Lily and Peter he had felt a burn of anger to keep him going. Now he just felt numb. 

WIth an ironic smile he opened a bar of chocolate and forced himself to take a large bite. The sweet flavor felt thick on his tongue. The antidote for a Dementor’s presence was no cure for what he was feeling now. 

***

On a rare visit outside of his room, Remus overheard Harry talking to Nearly Headless Nick. His heart sank, Harry was so hopeful about seeing Sirius again as a ghost. He felt just as crushed as Harry must have when Nick said Sirius wouldn’t return that way. He would move on. 

Remus knew the truth of it. Sirius was never afraid of anything. He wouldn’t have the need to stay in limbo, hovering halfway between living and dead. Remus learned long ago at Hogwarts that he had to use enough common sense for the both of them. He had to be the one to question whether running blindly forward was truly the way to go. Maybe he still could. 

When Remus found himself saying the password to the Phoenix statue that guarded Dumbledore’s office at Hogwarts and climbing the spiral staircase within, he was mildly surprised. He didn’t remember crossing Hogwarts to get there, though he was breathing heavily and his legs ached as if he’d run faster than he’d run in years. 

“I need your help.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Characters belong to J.K. Rowling, I am merely playing with them. Dialogue in the first section and italicized first paragraph of fic are pulled from Order of the Phoenix.
> 
> I anticipate this fic being 8-10 chapters long


	2. Chapter 2

“I’m going to get him.” Remus explained. “I’m going through the veil and I am bringing Sirius back home.”

“Remus,” Dumbledore said with a sigh, “I am afraid I do not know if that is possible.” 

“I’m not leaving him again. I can’t. I _won’t._ I did last time. I let him go to Azkaban.”

“ _That,_ much like this, was a situation beyond our control.”

Remus snorted. _Beyond our control_. Blame the waxing moon, but he was starting to get properly angry. It was the first thing he’d felt since Sirius fell through the veil and he leaned into it. 

“Beyond our control. An innocent man rotted in Azkaban for twelve years and _you_ left him there.”

***

The ride down the elevator deep, deep into the Ministry of Magic was quiet. Remus knew he should apologize again to Dumbledore for his behavior. He had once, though he had not _really_ meant it. It would be proper manners to do so again, even if he was not at all sorry for anything he said. Not if this worked. 

“Dumbledore,” he began.

“There is no need,” Dumbledore said, turning his head to look at Remus over his half moon spectacles, making the man feel like he was a student at Hogwarts once more, “to apologize to an old man who has not yet forgotten what it was like to be young.”

Remus bit the words back from passing his teeth. He did not regret yelling at Dumbledore. The things he threw could be fixed with a simple repairing spell. He did regret the loss of his temper, the feeling of the wolf clawing its way up his throat from somewhere deep within his chest. It felt frighteningly similar to when he transformed: the rage, the impulsive behaviour. It was getting worse. Not for the first time Remus wished there was more literature on what it was like to _be_ a werewolf. He wanted something deeper than the brief paragraphs in Dark Arts textbooks. He wanted a biography. A self-help guide. He wanted something that treated him like a human being. 

The idea of a werewolf support group crossed his mind and he growled out a single humorless laugh. It would be impossible. Not with the world the way it was. Not without risking _registration_ for him and his fellow afflicted people. Dumbledore, for his part, did not ask what was funny.

The elevator moved sideways with a sickening lurch and then stopped. The doors opened with an ironically cheerful _ding._ Remus could feel his heart beating faster. His breath came quick and shallow and he had to close his eyes for a moment to brace himself before stepping out of the elevator. It was like his body was determined to remind him just how _alive_ he was. 

Dumbledore led him through the winding maze that formed the Department of Mysteries. The old Headmaster knew the way whereas Remus could only concentrate on placing one foot after another. He did not remember walking in this way the last time he was here. He did not remember leaving, though he surely must have left. Remus would have felt a wave of thankfulness for Dumbledore’s help, but all he could think was a steady drumming of Sirius’s name. It crashed in his head like waves upon a shore: a tide drawing him closer and closer.

Sirius.

Sirius.

Sirius. 

It was as vital a rhythm as his own heartbeat and moved his body in just the same way.

***

The veil waited. 

Or rather, it did not wait for anyone, it just remained. Stoic. Unyielding. Remus forced himself to look at the simple arch and tattered cloth. It was such a simple thing. A plain thing. How could something so ordinary looking hide so much heartbreak? Ordinary, of course, besides the hundreds of whispers swirling madly just at the edge of his conscious hearing. 

“This is rather unusual, you know.” Dumbledore said, pulling him out of thoughts that threatened to quickly spiral. “There is, of course, precedent of people doing exactly what you are about to, but very few. Remember your goals, Remus, and do not allow yourself to be swayed by what you may experience. Harry still needs you here.”

 _Harry._ Remus felt a pang of guilt. He had not thought about how this might affect James’ only son. If he did not return it would be yet another loss for the boy and far too soon.

“Keep an eye on him for me.” Remus replied simply.

The veil fluttered in an unfelt breeze as if it were merely a thin scrap of cloth across someone’s mouth; moving in and out with each breath. Sirius was just there on the other side. He was there and he was waiting for him. And this time Remus was coming. He was not going to leave him to wait for long. Never again. All Remus had to do was step across the threshold and reach for him. He took a deep breath, parted the curtain, and stepped through.

***

Remus snorted in surprise at what he found on the other side. He was on a platform in King’s Cross station. It was dark and abandoned, lit only by flickering sconces. Remus supposed that made sense for the time of night that it was. Trains certainly didn’t run this late, even in the magical world. Even with that thought, Remus sat on a bench and waited. Surely he was meant to board a train to the beyond. 

He allowed himself to linger on just how perfect this was, this framework of his life with Sirius. They met all those years ago on a train and now they would be reunited on one. Memories came, unbidden, to the forefront of his mind. 

***

Young Remus pulled at his robes self consciously trying to cover as much of himself as he could. There were so many people yelling and running in and out of train compartments. So many _wizards._ He was equally excited and exhausted. The full moon was last night and the wolf must have been just as nervous as he was as evidenced by the fresh scar that still stung on his face. His wonderful muggle mother had done her best to cover it with _concealer_ but he could still feel how red and angry it was beneath the muggle beauty product. His wizard father had quickly learned that werewolf scars resist typical healing charms, so it was really the only way to go about it. He found an empty train compartment and curled up on a seat inside. His excitement could only keep him awake for so long. He gave in to the warm embrace of sleep as soon as the train started. The motion felt like he was being rocked like a baby in his mother’s arms. Comforting. 

“Oh good! You’re awake.” A boy his own age with messy dark hair and enormous glasses said. 

Remus’s train compartment was no longer empty. He quickly blinked the sleep from his eyes and looked around. 

“I’m James. James _Potter_ .” The bespectacled boy introduced himself with the air of someone who was clearly used to being immediately liked. “This is Peter Pettigrew.” He pointed to a mousy looking boy beside Remus who responded with a shy wave. “And Sirius _Black_.”

James said their last names like they should mean something to Remus. Perhaps they were important in the wizard world, but Remus’ family moved around too much for him to really learn much about anyone’s families or social statuses.

“Er, I’m Remus Lupin.” 

“Hello, Remus,” the boy named Sirius said warmly with a crooked smile, shaking his long black hair out of his eyes in a way that absurdly reminded Remus of a dog, “So what house do you think you’re gonna get?”

***

Remus had been sitting on the platform for far too long and he began to doubt a train was coming. Surely if it was, it would have been there by now? He looked around, but the archway of the veil had disappeared as soon as he stepped through it. The platform was also missing typical things that one would expect to find in such a place, like stairs out of it. No, the only way to move forward that Remus could see involved hopping down off of the platform onto the tracks and walking through one of the dark tunnels. With a steadying breath, Remus half jumped and half fell onto the tracks, chose a tunnel with a decisiveness that was not his own, and moved on. 

The tunnel was long and dark. Remus kept walking forward, guided only by the tracks beneath his feet. He let himself be lulled by his own footfall. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight steps and he breathed in. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight steps and he breathed out. He concentrated on his steps to keep himself moving forward and keep himself from hyperventilating. 

After what may have been minutes or hours, stars began to flicker above Remus’s head, giving him something to concentrate on besides his own breathing. Looking closer Remus realized that the growing constellation was actually fluorescent lichen of some sort. The further he walked, the thicker it grew. After a while a galaxy of algae glowed through the dark, lighting his path like the brightest moon on the night of a fresh snowfall. Remus marveled at its beauty despite his fear. 

It was bright enough that he could see a massive shape lurking at the end of the tunnel.

He approached cautiously, hairs on the back of his neck standing straight up. After what felt like ages he got close enough to see what it was. This was not comforting. An enormous three headed dog stared him down. Slobber dripped menacingly from each gaping maw. 

“Cerberus” Remus greeted the beast, shock mingling with recognition. 

The myths about the hellhound were true. 

Remus did not have time to give in to fear. There was only one way through this. 

“Let's go for a little walk under the moon of love. Let's sit down and talk under the moon of love.” Remus sang, fully aware of the irony of the song. When it came out in his sixth year at Hogwarts Sirius thought it was so funny to sing to Remus. 

“I want to tell ya that I love ya and I want you to be mine. Little darling let's walk, let's talk under the moon of love.” 

Remus made eye contact with the middle head, staring it down until it blinked and glanced away. 

“You look so lovely under the moon of love. Your eyes shine so brightly under the moon of love. I want to go all the time. You'll be my love tonight. Little darling let's walk, let's talk under the moon of love”

He stared at the other two sets of eyes in turn, willing them into submission. The great beast must have recognized the wolf in him and allowed itself to be overcome by the music. It laid down its massive heads with a sleepy grumble and settled down.

How Sirius would torment Remus with this song. Remus remembered a particularly embarrassing Valentine’s Day in seventh year when, to his horror, the suits of armor leading to the Great Hall all began to sing it at once as he tried to walk past to get breakfast. He had blushed as red as the roses that Sirius presented him with at the table. Subtlety was never that man’s strong suit. 

“I want to sweet talk, whisper things in your ear. I want to tell ya the things I know you've been waiting to hear. Come on little darling take my hand. Let's go for a little walk.”

The guardian of the underworld slept soundly as Remus slipped past it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song is "Under the Moon of Love" by Showadaddywaddy.


	3. Chapter 3

The tunnel opened up to a rolling field that twisted Remus’s heart when he saw it. Green and lush, it reminded him of the hills of Scotland where he spent the best part of his childhood. Where he ran with the Marauders. It was the only joy to ever come from his furry little problem. The grasslands spread out forever, dotted with wide clusters of trees and a crystalline river that no doubt led to some hidden loch. Remus stretched his head back and breathed deeply, stretching his arms out wide, unable to stop the grin that spread across his face. With a jolt he noticed that the expected gray blue sky and cloud shrouded sun above him was notably absent. In its place was the same lichen as before, creating an unfamiliar starscape of sorts high above his head. 

Movement in the corner of his eye caught his attention. A man with dark hair walked towards him. He looked far,  _ far _ too young and achingly familiar. Remus felt the old scars of painful memory rip back open to be tender and new before stitching themselves back together. It was as if someone had expertly used a healing spell on his heart. 

“ _ James _ !” Remus called, unable to stop himself from sprinting towards his best friend and the red haired woman beside him. “Lily!” 

He did not stop himself from running in time, threw all formalities to the wind, and leapt on James, tackling him to the ground in a hug. 

“Easy there, Moony.” James grunted beneath him while Lily laughed. “Aren’t you a bit old to be knocking me down like a drunk fourth year?”

“But you aren’t.” Remus retorted. “You’re so young, James. Merlin’s beard, you’re young.”

Remus climbed off of James and handed him back his glasses that had fallen into the grass in the commotion. He stared at James, shaking dust off of his memory of him. How was it possible that James and Lily who had done so much, who had left such a mark on him and the world as a whole, were only twenty-one when they died? Remus felt old beside them. Harry was closer to their age now than he was.

“I had forgotten how  _ young  _ you were.” Remus said quietly, his voice breaking. 

Lily sat on the ground beside him and pulled Remus into a tight hug. 

“It’s all alright now.” She said. “It’s all alright.”

Her brilliantly red hair tickled Remus’ nose, but he buried his head in closer to the top of hers, breathing in her warm and floral smell. She seemed so alive.

“He’s a great kid, Lil.” Remus said and Lily hugged him tighter. “He’s got too quick a temper like his dad, but your loyalty stayed with him. He’s got good friends. He’s sure of who he is. His sense of what’s right is irritatingly admirable and reminds me of you.”

James leaned over and wrapped his arms around them both. They stayed like that for a long time, content to feel each other’s presence and hear each other's breaths.

“Where is he?” Remus asked eventually. James and Lily moved back so they could look at Remus properly. They exchanged a long look that made Remus’s insides squirm unpleasantly. 

“Hades should be here soon to explain things properly.” James said. “We were just told to greet you here.”

“Explain what things?”

More eye contact between the young couple. The secret conversation of soulmates. Lily nodded finally.

“Remus,” James said, “it is a painful thing to watch the world go on when you yourself are removed from it. Memories don’t fade here quite like they do in the world. It is a lot to feel. A lot to remember.”

James spoke slowly, one arm wrapped instinctively around Lily who curled into his side.

“Some remember anyway. Lily and I have Harry to watch over. Our lives were short, but full of happiness. My main regret is not getting to my wand in time, not trusting the right person, not staying longer for Harry. For others, Remus, it is harder. Others choose to forget.”

“What are you saying?” Remus asked. “Where is he?”

“Oh, he’s here. His presence is, at least. But, Remus,” James’ tone reminded Remus of his father’s voice the morning after he was bitten as a child. Too soft. Too hesitant. Remus felt himself flinching back. “He doesn’t remember you.”

***

The cold that soaked through Remus’ veins was worse than any Dementor’s kiss. With all the scenarios that haunted his mind, Sirius choosing to forget him was not something he considered. What was it all for, then? Maybe he should just leave now. The message was clear: he was not wanted here. He should just go back out of the tunnel and climb through the veil and go back to his life as if he had never even tried. Would the veil reappear for him to step through? Could he even return?

A small hand on his shoulder startled him. Lily was staring at him and he had the distinct feeling that someone had been calling his name for a while now. Oh, Lily. He could see the concern in her eyes. She was always so kind to him. More than he deserved. More than he ever deserved. 

***

A waning moon helped light Remus’ walk from the infirmary back to the Gryffindor tower. His arm was still in a sling. Last night had been a bad one. The wolf was stronger than his second year body could fend off. The transformations were already becoming more violent. Madame Pomfrey’s words echoed in his head. She had thought he was asleep when she spoke through the floo to his father this morning. She did not know he overheard the words “likely terminal.” Werewolves who were bitten young, so it seems, never lasted very long. 

He forced back a sniffle. It would do no one any good to see him cry. He had to pretend to be alright. Had to fight against this monster inside him. He was afraid that if he showed how much it hurt, how much it really,  _ really _ hurt that they would send him back home. Even though the moon still warred against him, Hogwarts was the place he felt happiest. He felt like he truly belonged here. Most nights he could almost make believe that he was just a normal boy. 

“Is it cancer?” A voice in the Gryffindor common room asked when he closed the portrait-door, startling him. 

Lily sat on an overstuffed armchair by the fire. It was only the two of them in the common room. Everyone else must have gone to the dormitories to sleep or finish work in their beds. 

“Your sick mum.” She prompted again when he did not answer.

“Oh. Er.. yes. I have to help take care of her.” 

Lily nodded, seeming to be fighting some sort of internal battle.

“Do you need help?” She said eventually. 

“Help taking care of her? I-no. No, my da’ is there. No point in the whole year missing classes.” 

“Not help with her. Do  _ you _ need help.”

“Alright, out with it, Evans. What are you trying to say?” 

“I have a friend,” she said hesitantly “who hangs out with me a lot in the summers. His parents fight a lot, you see. Sometimes he and his dad fight? And I just- I want you to know that I’m here. For you. If you don’t want to go back. To your home.”

Merlin’s beard, she thought his father was doing this to him. Remus plopped down on another armchair. To his credit he only flinched a little when the action jostled his arm. How could he explain to her that his father was the gentlest man he’d ever met? That his father winced at every scrape, every bruise on Remus’ body as if it were his own.

“I’m fine.” He said. “My home is fine. ‘M just clumsy, that’s all.” 

Lily nodded her head and let the subject drop though she clearly did not believe him. Remus did not fail to notice how she waited for him every time he missed class after that.

***

“I never did thank you, you know.” Remus said to Lily in the grassy field lit by lichen. “You were always there for me, even before you knew the source of my furry little problem.” 

“Of course.” She replied simply, as if there were no other option than unwavering support. 

“I think it’s time.” James said. “Are you ready to meet Hades?”

Remus nodded, unable to trust himself to speak. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We'll see Sirius soon enough, dear readers. Don't fret.


	4. Chapter 4

Hades seemed to be built more of smoke and silhouette than substance. His presence was that satisfying combination of commanding while still calming. Remus found himself sizing Hades up, despite this. Here was the person responsible for keeping Sirius away from him.

“Hello.” Remus said lamely. How does one greet the ruler of the underworld? Hogwarts didn’t really cover things like that and he hadn’t been living in what one might truly call “polite society” for quite a while now. Should he have said “sir”? Maybe. But it was far too late now. 

“Hello, Remus.” 

Remus stared at him for a long moment, suddenly unsure of himself. How could he phrase his intentions? Why did this make him feel like a little first year at Hogwarts caught not knowing the answer by a stern and scowling professor? 

“I understand there is a reason for your visit?” Hades prompted. Remus shook his head and steeled himself. 

“I am here for him. Sirius.” He felt his resolve hardening and he met Hades’ eyes. “I’m bringing him back with me. We’re going home.” 

Hades stared at him. Remus did not look away. The wolf growled deep in his chest. 

“This… will be complicated.” Hades said finally. “When someone dies they tend to stay amongst the dead. James told you about his memory?” 

“He did. Is it… is it permanent?” 

At this moment Remus wasn’t sure if that mattered. What mattered was that Sirius came back. What mattered was that Sirius had a chance to live. He had so little time to be free. Sirius went from his horrible parents to being a student to being in Azkaban. When Remus totalled it up he realized that Sirius only had about five years of his life as a man free to make his own decisions. Those years were all spent as a soldier during wartime. A plaything. No, if Sirius could never remember him then Remus would figure out a way to keep going. He just needed to know that Sirius was alive. That Sirius had a chance to live. 

“It doesn’t matter, actually.” Remus said before Hades could respond. “I can be a guardian who leads him out and lets him be. I am taking him with me.”

It shattered something massive inside him to think of Sirius out there somewhere and that he could never reach him. But he did not deserve to claim Sirius all for himself. He had left him there, in Azkaban, for  _ twelve _ years. He would free him this time. He had to. 

Hades looked at Remus, who felt like his entire soul was being stared through and analyzed. He resisted the instinct to practice occlumency. Let Hades know how he felt, he wasn’t embarrassed by it. There was nothing shameful there but his own guilt and that was irrelevant here. This was for Sirius.

“I do not give away those in my care.” Hades spoke slowly after what felt like a long time. “Not to anyone. You don’t seem like just anyone to me though, Remus. You cannot take him with you without his consent. I will, however, grant you time. Make him remember you. Make him remember himself. If he is willing then we will speak again.”

Remus’ head spun. They had a chance. They had a chance and he’d be damned if he didn’t go for it. It was a gift, this offered time. Still, there were problems. There were risks. 

“Important question before we proceed. Do you… know who I am?”

“Of course I do, Remus John Lupin.”

“I mean. I mean do you know  _ what _ I am? Did you know I was coming? That I was here? Are there precautions in place?”

“What you are.” Hades repeated. “A good man? Loyal to a fault?”

Remus bristled. He was getting properly angry now. He was being mocked; toyed with.  _ Loyal _ was a word he stopped using to describe himself a decade and a half ago when his life split to pieces.

“Look. I don’t have very much time before the next moon.” Remus said flatly. “Is there someplace I can go if this, er, isn’t  _ done _ by then? Someplace that I can’t get out of. Hang on, what would happen if I did bite the dead? Can I make ghost werewolves? I’m afraid I haven’t come across any literature on the subject.”

The look on Hades’ face was pitying.

“The moon can’t reach you down here, Remus.” He said simply.

“What?”

“The moon can’t reach you down here. We are too deep below ground, too removed from mortality.” 

“So you’re telling me that as long as I’m here I’m…. I’m  _ human?” _

“You’ve always been human, Remus.”

Remus’ mind swirled. He had not given much thought to what would happen to himself if there was a life after death. When he pictured the end of himself it was usually accompanied by rest. Blackness. A peaceful nothing. There was always the fear, too, though. The fear is what kept him from acting on it, sometimes. It made him shake his head and take a breath and sit back down whenever his mind became too much. The fear that the wolf would take over forever, trapping him, paralyzed and terrified, to watch himself from within. But this… this was a revelation.

The moon could not reach him here.

He was free.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A shorter chapter this time, but more is on the way. Coming up next: Sirius.


	5. Chapter 5

Hades' words echoed in Remus’ mind.  _ If he remembers then we’ll talk.  _ Perhaps being cryptic and ominous was part of the job description for being the guardian of the underworld. He continued walking through the moor, leaving James and Lily so that he could find  _ him _ . Whatever his forebodings were, Remus found he could not bring himself to care anymore when the wind carried with it an achingly familiar smell. Despite his distance from the moon’s pull it seemed some of the wolf’s characteristics, like an unusually sharp sense of smell, would not be lost so easily. 

He breathed deeply, feeling the scent drag down his throat and expand into his lungs until he could feel it absorbing into his bloodstream. He felt a little high and a little choked, as if he had taken too long a drag from a joint and had to resist the urge to cough at the all-consuming smoke. 

Sirius.

All at once he was thrust back to the very beginning of his sixth year Potions class at Hogwarts. 

***

“At this stage your potion should have a mother of pearl sheen” Professor Slughorn said, grimacing as he looked into a cauldron that was distinctly tar-like and bubbling.

Remus looked into his own cauldron. He would describe it more as an oil slick rather than a true mother of pearl. At least it was something shiny.For all his efforts, potions were not a strong suit of his. He wasn’t bad at it, per say. The simpler potions were easy enough. Something always seemed to go just to the left of accurate in the more difficult potions. 

A splash and whispered  _ oops _ to his left preceded a small explosion that both added a pale green color to Peter’s face and removed the boy’s eyebrows. Slughorn gave a long suffering sigh and clapped his hands together.

“Alright everyone, ladles down, step back from your cauldrons and remove them from heat.” Slughorn said. “Let’s gather around and look at a  _ properly _ brewed amortentia.”

To Remus’ chagrin Slughorn gestured for them to look at Severus Snape’s cauldron. 

“Look at Snivellus, thinks he’s so cool cuz he can make a lousy potion. Too bad he can’t conjure up some friends, eh Moony?” Sirius said, nudging Remus with his elbow.

Remus smiled half heartedly, trying to ignore the butterflies in his stomach prompted by the brief touch. Steady now. It was a week until the full moon and that always made him a bit flustered and jumpy. That’s all it was, of course. No need to pay attention to the blush rising in his cheeks when Sirius gave him a lopsided smirk. No need to give any thought to how his heart stuttered in his chest when Sirius licked those same smirking lips. Or how soft they looked. No need to pay attention to those thoughts at all.

Slughorn instructed them all to breathe deeply and pay attention to the smell of the potion. It would be distinct to each person, he said. 

Remus inhaled deeply and was greeted by a rush of warmth. It smelled like home: like laughter in the dorm in the middle of the night, like a crisp autumn sky dotted with stars, like the cheap muggle cologne that Sirius bought to piss off his parents.... 

Well,  _ fuck. _

The love potion smelled of Sirius Orion Black.

If he had dared to look to his right he would have noticed a boy staring at him and blinking rapidly before a slow true smile spread across his previously smirking features. The smell of old books and chocolate, clean shampoo and deep woodlands, ink and rust warmed Sirius’ nose. 

***

In the underworld, Remus followed that smell to find its source. The scent had matured over the years. It was more complex now; layered. Bitter notes marred it. Remus could smell his own fear layered into the scent. But at its base was the smell of a crisp autumn sky dotted with stars. It smelled of a shitty little flat in London, crammed with far too many books and stacks of records and not nearly enough furniture. Of a beat up old couch they dragged in from the curb. Of a mattress whose uneven springs rolled them every night so that they were cradled together in the center of the bed. Of a musty cell and deep, deep guilt. Of cigarettes and far too much firewhiskey and confessions in the rain. It smelled of home. It smelled of Sirius. 

A shock of long, dark hair sitting under a tree made his stomach swoop. He approached cautiously, unsure of what he would find. Sirius looked up at him, grey eyes bright and clear. He seemed younger; his spirit lighter without the weight of his memories. Remus had a rush of doubt. Who was he to march down here and drag Sirius back? Sirius chose this. He chose to leave his memories behind. This was selfish. Surely it was selfish of Remus to expect Sirius to pick his problems and traumas and tortured thoughts back up. He should turn around. He should turn back around and tell Hades that he was leaving on his own and that Sirius could stay there. Sirius could lounge in the sun, back against the bark of a tree, content and without care for the rest of eternity. 

He had made up his mind to leave when Sirius spoke.

“Hello there, handsome. To what do I owe this pleasure?”

Remus cocked his head to the side, looking deeply into Sirius’s eyes for any sense of recognition. It was not there. 

“Have we met?” Sirius tried again. “I feel like I’d remember eyes as pretty as yours.”

Sirius did not remember him. Remus knew he wouldn’t, but it still hurt. There is a distinct difference between knowing something and accepting it. And yet, Sirius did not remember him but was  _ flirting  _ with him all the same. Remus felt he would rather stay trapped as the wolf than untangle the emotions that created inside himself. 

This was going to be hard.


	6. Chapter 6

How do you explain to the dead love of your life who no longer remembers you exactly who he is? How do you bring back a lifetime of victories and losses and joys and heartaches? Remus decided that the answer might be found in one word: slowly. 

“What you’re saying sounds so familiar, like it’s a story I read just once a long time ago as a child. The words make sense, but I can’t reach them, can’t bring the memories to my mind.”

Remus had just talked Sirius through their first meeting on the Hogwarts train. The dark haired man complied with the story easily enough. He had felt that something about his existence here was missing. The absence of memory was peaceful but made him feel incomplete.

“Tell me about them. James and Lily and Peter.”

Remus flinched. He regretted opening up with a story that involved Wormtail, however passively. The rat was the reason for all of this. Remus blamed him entirely. It was his own fault that Wormtail escaped that night in the Shrieking Shack. If he had just not allowed himself to get caught up in the bloodlust, in the memories and regrets and hatred. If he had just acted with the swift justice that the situation deserved then Wormtail would be dead. Now that rat was with his master, whimpering out a lifetime of secrets, betraying friends who would have died for him. Friends who died because of him. 

Remus felt a wave of hatred: not for Wormtail, but for himself. He had mistimed the moon and ruined everything. What a stupid risk that was. He knew that it was the full moon, he knew that he was due for a dose of wolfsbane or else he would be fully out of his mind that night. Even still, as soon as he saw those loathsome pawprints on the regained Marauder’s Map, he bolted towards them. A savage beast following its instincts. And look what it cost him: the one job that made him feel useful since the First War. That year had been the best year he’d had in over a decade, even despite the heavy Dementor presence. It cost him the one chance he had to prove Sirius’ innocence. The chance for justice for James and Lily after all these years. 

Sirius placed his hand on Remus’ shoulder, probably noticing how tense the man had become. Remus instinctively leaned into the warm, slight weight and nuzzled his cheek into it. The action was so achingly familiar. Sirius did not move away. Remus allowed himself this moment of weakness. He allowed himself to step past the boundaries of what was proper and revel in this comfort. He breathed deeply and could not help but ghost his lips across the calloused skin of Sirius’ fingers. The need to embrace Sirius fully, to lean into him and wrap the man’s tall body around himself like a blanket, to whisper a thousand apologies into his skin and kiss a million promises more gnawed at his very bones. 

It tore at something at his very core to still his lips that ached to roam. It would be too much. Sirius deserved better. Sirius needed to know everything, to make the choice himself. Still, Remus reached up and held Sirius’ hand in place on his shoulder. He could not bring himself to be the one to break contact. Not again. Maybe just this small comfort was okay. Maybe they both needed it. 

It was Sirius who finally spoke, dark eyes intense and unreadable.

“And after you tell me about them, tell me about _us._ I have a feeling that there is more to us than just pals who met on a train.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Remus.  
> Thanks for sticking with me! More regular updates to follow.


	7. Chapter 7

They were sitting again, across from each other though neither man dared make eye contact. Remus was not sure how long it had been since Sirius had put his hand on his shoulder and Remus nearly kissed him in return. Time passed strangely here. The constellations of glowing lichen above their heads never shifted, never changed to suggest that the world was continuing to move forward. That was probably the point, Remus thought. Time was no longer moving anywhere for any of them. They were dead. 

He was not dead though, he reminded himself, and with luck Sirius would soon not be either. He breathed deeply, instinctively hesitating as he waited for the familiar twinge of pain that came upon fully inflating his lungs. It did not come, though, and he dared allow himself to breathe in all the way once, and then once again upon finding the action to be pain free. He rolled his shoulders back carefully before stretching his arms all the way up. His left shoulder moved freely in a way that it hadn’t since he broke it one particularly bad full moon some years ago. He had not had the money to go to a proper healer for it and the usual  _ episkey _ did not quite take. Now, though, it moved freely without any of the grating or aching he had come to expect. Hades had said that the moon could not reach him here, but this was more than he could have ever hoped for. The wolf’s pain was gone. 

Remus could not suppress the sobbing gasp that erupted from deep within his chest. He hurriedly unbuttoned the sleeve on one of the cuffs of his shirt and rolled it up, having already shrugged off his robes. No, the pain was gone, but the scars remained.

He felt more than saw that Sirius was watching him now. He wondered what Sirius thought of the wild web of raised and ripped skin that wrapped around his arm, tangling heavily at the wrist and inner elbow: places where the wolf had tried to break free. 

“You’ve been hurt.” Sirius said at last. 

Remus hesitated. This man did not have the memories of his lifelong love. He did not know how he would react to the knowledge that he sat with a monster. He remembered the brief flash of revulsion in Sirius’ eyes at the end of second year when Remus could no longer keep his secret caged within himself. He remembered James’ voice, low and warning. 

***

“ _ Sirius _ .” James had said with a sense of gravity unlike himself. “ _ Don’t. _ He is one of us. _ ” _

Sirius had scoffed and surprised them all then, pulling his shirt over his head in the middle of the Gryffindor boy’s dormitory and turning around to show curse marks in various stages of healing across his back. The freshest must have been from around the Christmas holiday. 

“You’re not a monster, Rem.” Sirius said simply. “I know monsters and you are not one of them. You’re  _ good. _ ” 

***

“When I was a boy I was bitten.” Remus said, forcing himself to make eye contact. “I am a werewolf.” 

Sirius surprised him again, under this odd glowing sky. He leaned in and supported Remus’ forearm with one hand and gently traced the fingers on his other hand up and down the once-torn flesh. He said something quietly, one word that sent Remus’ internal organs twisting about each other as if he were apparating.

“Come again?” Remus prompted, dry mouthed.

“Moony.” Sirius repeated. “You’re Moony.” 

“I am. And you are Padfoot.” 

“Padfoot.” Sirius repeated, leaning back all the way so that he was no longer touching Remus but instead lying back on the gently swaying field. “I am Padfoot.” 

The moorland grass was cool beneath them but felt refreshing rather than chilling. Remus nervously plucked the green blades, twisting and ripping each one into many tiny pieces before grabbing the next.  _ It was just Sirius _ . He tried to tell himself.  _ There is no need to be such a bashful child about this. If you can’t be yourself around him then when can you be?  _ That was the question, though. So much time had passed since they held each other without secrets. He longed for those brighter days when the war was young and they were too. He could never think of himself as innocent or truly carefree. The aches and urges of the wolf in his life assured that could never be an accurate description of himself. Everything seemed so much easier, though, back then. Before the war and the lies and losses that came with it. The weight of his scars and memories did not slow his heart and mind so much. Joys were less complicated and more true. 

***

Remus struggled to contain a moan as Sirius nipped along the length of his neck, all wet kisses and sharp teeth. It wouldn’t do for the others to hear them. The Marauders had just graduated from Hogwarts last year and were enjoying the freedom that came from no longer being in school.

“Sirius, wait.” Remus said though he had no desire for anything to stop. “They’ll hear us.”

“Let them hear.” Sirius snorted. “Merlin knows James and Lily are loud enough.” 

They were in James’ and Sirius’ shared flat in London. It was, fortunately, a two bedroom flatshare, unlike the one bedroom that Remus shared with Peter, unable to afford anything grander. Remus was used to sharing a room after seven years at Hogwarts, but it was becoming less and less convenient the more  _ serious _ he and Sirius became. 

“We need our own place.” Remus said with a laugh.

“Yes.” Sirius agreed far too quickly, making Remus push him up and off of him.

“Yes?”

“Yes. Let’s get our own place. Move in with me, Rem.” 

Remus looked into Sirius’s grey eyes and felt invincible. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I now think this will finish around 12 chapters. There's a bit more with our boys that I'd like to explore.   
> Thank you for reading and all of the kudos and comments! Every one makes my heart sing and is so motivating.


	8. Chapter 8

The new Zevon album spun on the record player as Sirius curled back in Remus’ arms.  _ This _ , Remus couldn’t help but think,  _ was how life should be. _ Remus could spend eternity holding and being held by Sirius. It was comfortable, calm. Here he could almost pretend nothing was wrong. He could almost forget the war. 

A loud howling pierced through his relaxed mood. 

_ Ah-hooo werewolves of London. _

_ Ah-hooo _

“Shit.” Sirius said, scrambling to get out of bed. “Shit, shit,  _ shit! _ Sorry, Moony, I haven’t listened to this one through yet.”

Remus just laughed, a merry sound bubbling out of his chest. 

“No, no, leave it. I actually think I like it.”

Sometimes muggles were more right than they knew. Werewolves of London, indeed. The lyrics were a bit grim, but wasn’t everything lately? Besides, the tune was fun and Remus had long since learned to appreciate the irony of his situation. 

Sirius quirked an eyebrow at Remus and then howled along with the song at the next chorus, throwing his head back to reveal the long, smooth line of his throat. Before Remus could think too much about that, Sirius stopped howling and fixed Remus with a suddenly manic stare. He smiled a smile that only warned of trouble. 

A big, black dog appeared with a jolt in Sirius’ place and began howling. 

Remus, for his part, fell off the bed laughing. It was a whole body kind of laugh: deep and pure and without hesitation or self consciousness. Years later Remus would return to that memory and wonder if he would ever be able to laugh like that again. In the moment, though, he had no feelings of premonition or fear, only the joy of laughing along with the man he loved.

“Sirius! No! You know we aren’t allowed pets!” 

The dog howled louder. 

***

In the underworld, Sirius’ memories were coming back quicker and with more confidence. He remembered Hogwarts, for the most part. He even remembered his family. As much as Remus wished he might be able to continue without the burden of how they treated him, he knew it was important for Sirius to know.

Remus could feel that time must be passing, though he had no way to tell how quickly. He did not feel the need to sleep, though he and Sirius took naps together. It was an indulgence to wrap himself around Sirius’ warm body and bury his nose in the hair at the nape of his neck, breathing in a smell that was so preciously  _ him. _ He tried to categorize it in his head, naming the specific scents like he did all those years ago in Potions class at Hogwarts, like he did when he first saw Sirius again. The memory of a smell, of a face, of the feeling of heat that raced through him at every smile was so different than experiencing it in the moment. 

They were talking through a memory of their time at Hogwarts together. Remus supplied most of the information, but Sirius filled in bits hesitatingly and then with rushes of surety. 

“And then James’ face when he saw that it had been Lily the whole time!” Remus said, wiping tears of laughter from where they gathered at the top of his cheekbones. 

“I thought he was going to kill us,” Sirius said, “actually kill us.” 

“I wonder whatever happened to all those pixies.” 

“I want to know if they’re still repeating James’ worst pick up lines.”

“Can you imagine?” Remus said with a renewed fit of laughter. “The corniest pick up lines in all of history. But I guess they worked, in the end.” 

“Something happened to them.” Sirius said with mingled confidence and fear. “Something happened to Lily and James. It destroyed us, didn’t it?”

Remus flinched at the shift in mood. He could not be surprised, though. They were always going to talk about this, sooner or later. How Remus wished it was later, though. So much later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to be a two-chapter update night! The next one is dark, readers. We're heading back to Halloween, 1981.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this chapter is dark, my dear readers. We are going to see Halloween of 1981.

In a cramped but well loved apartment in London, Remus woke up with the hint of a smile for the first time in a long time. The moon the night before was blessedly black, leaving only stars and street lamps to light the dark street. Tonight would be about the same. What made it even better, was the warm weight still in bed beside him. Sirius was still there. 

He tried to push the shameful distrust out of his mind as he curled in closer to the other man and buried his nose in his long, shaggy hair. Sirius had been disappearing more and more recently. Remus was never sure when he went to bed if his love would be there when he woke up.

The rumors of a mole in the Order did not calm his thoughts.

_ It’s a mission for the Order. _ He told himself.  _ He’d tell you if he needed your help. _ Besides, Sirius had been there the last few days with an almost peaceful look in his eyes, which had been looking more and more harried of late. It seemed that Sirius had made peace with whatever he had been struggling with.

When Sirius grumbled something about breakfast, finally waking up, Remus took it upon himself to get out of bed and find something for them to eat.  _ Perhaps pumpkin pancakes,  _ he thought, smiling at the crudely carved jack o’ lanterns that grinned at him from their sole window. They’d go over to James and Lily’s tonight with candy for young Harry, even though he was only just over a year old and Lily would most definitely scold them. What harm could a little chocolate do? Remus loved Halloween and damn it but this war was not going to take that from him.

Their little Halloween party in Godric’s Hollow was simple. James held Harry’s hand on his wand as he used it to carve a pumpkin to look like Lily’s ginger cat. Little red and gold sparks flashed from the tip every time Harry giggled. Lily beamed to see their son showing signs of magic already, so young. 

The good mood that had clung to Sirius this morning loosened its grip. His leg was bouncing rapidly, a sign that he was at odds with the largely relaxed atmosphere of the room. 

“Where’s Peter?” Sirius had asked abruptly. 

“He sent an owl,” Lily replied. “He wasn’t feeling well, you know. He’s had some kind of stomach flu recently, we don’t want Harry to get it.” 

Sirius nodded his head briskly but did not seem satisfied. 

When they left early that evening Remus turned around as he closed the gate. Through the windows he could see Lily rocking Harry on her hip, James hugging them from behind and whispering something in her ear. It was so peaceful and gentle a sight. Remus smiled, took Sirius’ hand, and apparated back to London. 

Sirius’ mood continued to darken as they sat in their apartment drinking hot chocolate spiked with bourbon. The drink was a Halloween tradition that started in fourth year, but did not seem to influence Sirius to be his normal flirty, mischievous self tonight. Remus could feel the other man’s restlessness deep within his own chest. It weaveled stress into his bones, creating pain that had nothing to do with the darkened moon. 

Again, Remus felt the guilty fingers of doubt wrapping about his throat, threatening to squeeze him until he could no longer breathe. 

“I’ll be back in a bit.” Sirius said, voice cutting through the quiet tension of the small room. “There’s something I’ve got to check.”

He was out the door and down the stairs to the street without another word. The distinct sound of a motorcycle climbing into the air growled a punctuation to his departure.

_ Spy. _ A voice broke through Remus’ carefully caged subconscious, taunting him. All of the simple joy he felt this morning evaporated like mist in the harsh light of the sun.  _ Spy.  _

***

“We changed Secret Keepers.” Sirius said hoarsely, his voice breaking. It brought Remus back to the grassy moor of the underworld where Sirius was breaking through the fog of memory loss. “It was meant to be me, but after Frank and Alice were tortured James and I worried that they…. That the Death Eaters would hurt you to get to me. I didn’t trust myself not to break if it came down to that. I would have broken to spare you, I know it. 

“Plus,” Sirius snorted dryly, “it would have been a bit of an obvious move wouldn’t it? I was his best friend. No one even thought for a second that the Secret Keeper wasn’t me.This way when they came for me I wouldn’t be able to give them up. Another security measure.”

Remus was unconcerned about Sirius’ admission that he was willing to risk him being tortured. It was a known possibility. He would have done the same thing, he’d like to think. The guilt of giving up James and Lily’s secret, even under duress, would be unimaginable. He felt a familiar flash of hatred towards Peter. 

“Where did you go?” Remus asked, “that night.” 

Sirius was silent, brow knotting with concentration. 

“Peter…. I had this-this feeling. Something was off. Something wasn’t right. I went… I went to his apartment.” Sirius spoke hesitating at first and then quicker as the memories and his confidence in them returned. “He um, he wasn’t there. I broke in, it was empty. I got scared, went back to Godrick’s Hollow and I knew. I could see it, Moony. There was smoke. I had this weird, weird feeling that the skyline was different. Even as I drove into the village I could feel that it… that it wasn’t right.”

Sirius was talking steadily now, each word pounding forward like the smacking of Remus’ heart against the walls of his chest. Uncontrollable. 

“The second floor was mostly gone. There was this big hole in the roof and I just, I kept staring at it like the empty space was going to tell me something. The door was blown to bits and the roof was gone and I just kept staring at the bloody hole like it was going to fucking  _ talk _ . 

“I just stared, Remus. I went inside and tried a bloody  _ riddikulus  _ defense spell. I did it again and again for I don’t know how long until I realized he wasn't a boggart. He was just lying there. James was. On the floor. His wand wasn’t in his hand, Moony. He couldn’t defend himself. He left his bloody wand on the _ fucking _ table. They  _ trusted us _ , Rem. They thought they were safe, that we were protecting them, that we were  _ all _ protecting them, that they’d be okay, and it’s not okay, it’s not okay, it’s not okay, it’s not okay, not okay not okay not-”

Sirius collapsed in on himself. Remus resisted the pathetic urge to run or vomit or do anything to end this conversation. Instead he wrapped his body around Sirius. He could not take this pain from him but he would share it. They had spent too many years hiding secrets from each other. He squeezed his love’s thin body until he felt the hyperventilating stop. Remus breathed with him slowly, forcefully, wordlessly encouraging their breathing to match. Sirius shook, but continued to talk, head between his knees and Remus surrounding him. 

“I could hear Harry crying. I ran up the stairs and tripped over… over Lily in the dark. I didn’t even get back up, just crawled to the crib. I couldn’t believe that he was alive. Harry. He was so little and I just- I couldn’t… James and Lily trusted me with him. I was his godfather. I hadn’t protected them but I  _ could _ protect him, Moony. 

“People were gathering outside when I came through the door. They’d heard the explosion and I realized that they could see the house. The protection charm ended when he killed them. Hagrid was there, said Dumbledore had sent him, and I knew Harry’d be safe with him. I just left him the motorbike and the baby and apparated away.”

Remus remembered far too early that next morning. He remembered waking up alone and hearing a knock on the door; opening it up to see Minerva’s ashen face. He knew, then, before she said anything, that something was devastatingly wrong. 

***

“Sirius?” He’d said, heart stuttering from its new home high in his throat. “Oh, Merlin, is he-”

“He is alive, as far as I know.” Minerva said not unkindly. “James and Lily, however, are not.”

Later Remus would appreciate her bluntness. She never stumbled around a point, never made him wait for news. At that moment, though, Remus was so distracted that he nearly missed the crux of what she was saying.

“Hang on,” He heard himself say eventually, as if another person was using his tongue. “Harry is alive?” 

“He is with Hagrid now. Remus, I need you to tell me: where is Sirius?”

“I don’t know. He said something about Peter and left.” 

“We have to find him.” 

“No. No, there's… Minerva, there’s a mistake. It wasn’t him, it couldn’t have been.” 

Even as Remus spoke he did not believe his own words. 

***

“You went to try and find Wormtail again?” Remus prompted, still holding Sirius in his arms. Some part of him wondered if this would be easier if they stayed like this. This way they wouldn’t have to look at each other. 

“He was just on the street in London. Just standing there. He knew he was caught when he saw me. I yelled at him. Screamed. And he just… he didn’t even defend himself, the  _ rat _ . I didn’t recognize the look on his face. He just lopped off his finger, threw it at me, and blew up all those muggles. He ran away like the coward he was. 

“In hindsight I did not handle it well.” Sirius admitted. “It cracked me up more than a bit. My best friend was dead, my godson was orphaned, and now wimpy little Pete just blew up a busy street, turned into an oversized mouse, and scurried down a storm drain.” He laughed mirthlessly at the memory. “The aurors caught me quick enough after that and then I… well I really can’t remember anything between the explosion and being thrown into my cell.” 

“Look at me, Sirius.” Remus said. “Turn around, I’m here now.”

They held each other tightly, keeping the fragile pieces of themselves from being lost forever. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking around! Oh these poor characters hurt my heart.  
> Comments and kudos bring me joy, but thank you for being here!


	10. Chapter 10

“You look happy, Lils,” Remus said at the Potter’s house. “Does this have something to do with the big dinner you and James are having us over for tonight?”

Lily beamed back at Remus and kissed him on the cheek. 

“Maybe.” She said with a wink.

“Well, you’ve already married the man,” Sirius said, “What else could get you so fit to burst- WAIT. Burst! Bloody hell, Lily, did he knock you up?” 

“Sirius!” Remus scolded. 

“PRONGS GET DOWN HERE! I’m the godfather, right Lily? Say yes, please say yes.”

James came down the stairs laughing.

“I told you they’d figure it out before we told them.”

“Two more hours!” Lily said, “I almost won the bet!” 

Sirius scooped Lily up very carefully and twirled her in his arms. He ever so gently put her back on the ground. He then hoisted up James in a similar but much less careful embrace involving a lot of back pounding. 

“I’m only giving you ⅔ of the prize though,” Lily said to her husband when he found himself back on solid ground, “Peter still hasn’t figured it out, and I am positive he won’t til we tell him tonight.” 

***

“You’re very excited about the baby.” Remus mused later when they were back home in their little flat.

“This is going to change everything.” Sirius said. “Of course we had a reason to fight before, but now? We’ve got to give this kid the best life possible. We’re gonna win for him.”

“Already predicting a boy?”

“Doesn’t matter either way. But yeah, I think a mini James could be fun.” 

“I didn’t know you liked kids so much.” 

“They’re innocent,” Sirius said, suddenly very somber, “They deserve to grow up knowing that they’re loved and will be supported no matter what. We had a tough go of it, Remus, you and I, but this kid won’t. I will do everything in my power to make sure that this child grows up knowing they’re wanted and loved and happy.”

There was no other response than for Remus to lean forward and kiss him. Remus pushed all of his love for Sirius into his touch and hoped that the message was received. 

“Besides,” Sirius said, pulling back with a bit of a shy smile. “It’ll be good practice, won’t it? For when we have one?” 

“You want kids?”

“Absolutely,” Sirius said with a firm resolve so familiar to Remus. When Sirius committed to something fully he jumped in head first, never checking the temperature or depth of the waters. “Not now, of course. There’s a war going on and we might as well let James be first at something, besides the whole marriage thing of course. But someday, yeah. I’d like us to.” 

“Sirius,” Remus said, feeling the world spin around him with an icy coldness. “You have to know that I can’t father children. The lycanthropy… there haven’t been studies done. Not that I’ve seen. We don’t know if it can spread like that and I won’t pass this curse to a child.” 

“You are not a curse, Moony. You are a man, same as any other. Besides, it doesn’t have to be you, it could be me, we could adopt, I don’t know invent a magic potion. Transfigure a puppy dog.” He teased. “We’ve got time to think about it. Plenty of time. Now just snog me and be happy for a while. James and Lily are having a baby!” 

Remus was still worried, but gave in very quickly to Sirius’ warm hands and smiling lips. Besides, Sirius was right. They were so young to be really talking about this. There would be time to think about it later. For now, it was best to concentrate on the war. Well, the war and the very handsome man who was pulling him quickly to their bed.

***

“Did you mean that?” Remus asked Sirius back under the unchanging lichen sky. 

“Every word of it.” Sirius promised. 

Remus nodded at the confirmation. Sirius, for all his faults, was not one to make promises lightly.

“You never did it, then?” Sirius asked suddenly. “I was gone twelve years, that’s a long time. For all you knew I was never coming back. You had no obligation to me. You never settled down and found yourself a family?” 

“No,” Remus said with a bitter shake of his head. “There were other men, of course. A few women. Nothing lasted long, though. Too many secrets. You still forget, Sirius, what I am. You, Lily, and James were kinder to me than I had ever thought possible. The regulations got stricter, after the war, too. They were looking for people to punish. I never registered as a werewolf, not until that slimy Snape outed me after you returned. It was too risky to tell someone, they could turn me in.”

“Here’s the self pity. When are you going to let yourself be happy?” 

“That’s rich, Sirius. Really rich. You weren’t there. Can you even imagine what it was like for me, after Halloween? Marlene, murdered along with her whole family. Dorcas dead. Gideon and Fabian Prewitt dead. Frank and Alice were just a shell. Everyone we knew, gone. 

“I had to go to their funerals, to see James and Lily buried in that little churchyard alone. We couldn’t even have a full funeral for Pete because we thought you didn’t leave us enough of his body to bury. And all the while everyone avoided me. You see, no one knows what to say when your boyfriend turns out to be a traitor and a serial murderer.”

Remus’ eyes flashed with an anger he thought had burned out a long time ago. 

“You don’t know the strength that it took for me to get to the point that I did. I was so numb for so long and then the only energy I could find was to hate you. I couldn’t even fucking do that right, though. You and I were one for too long. I just hated myself.”

Sirius stared at him for a long time. His voice was rough when he finally spoke. 

“I am sorry. More sorry than you could ever know. I should have been there with you. This never should have happened at all. We were too young for that war, too young for everything we went through.”

Remus felt himself deflate as all his anger evaporated.

“They were _so_ young,” Remus knew that Sirius would understand he meant James and Lily. “ _ You _ were so young, and you went years and years after they did.”

“And that’s why you’re here.”

“That’s why I’m here.” Remus confirmed, “Godric help me.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did originally intend for this chapter to be pure fluff, but the boys started arguing and here we are.
> 
> I know everyone says it, but kudos and comments really do make my heart soar. Thank you for being here!


	11. Chapter 11

“You never visited me there.” Sirius said.

Remus should be excited that Sirius was remembering things unprompted. It was a sign that his memories were returning, that he had not lost who he was. Remus knew this, and yet he only felt panic. Some memories would be best to stay forgotten. Some things were best left untouched. 

“No.” Remus answered. “I did not.”

“This is one of those things, isn’t it? We’ve never talked about this.” 

They both sat silently for a long beat, unable to look at each other until Sirius spoke again.

“You thought it was me. That I killed James, Lily, Peter, all those muggles. Tried to do-in my godson.” 

Remus forced himself to look at Sirius. There was no use lying, what was the point? To make himself look better? To cry out that he had never once doubted Sirius, that his belief in him had never faltered? Sirius deserved the truth, after all this time.

“I did.”

The confusion and distrust from all those years ago tore into Remus’ once more, swirling his mind in the chaos of memory. 

***

It was the day after the last full moon of the summer of 1981 and Remus Lupin was exhausted. He summoned the rest of his strength and, focusing as hard as he could on not splinching himself, apparated to an alley near his London apartment. A tabby cat with distinct spectacle like markings hissed at him as he suddenly appeared with a loud pop, startled by his appearance.

“Sorry about that, Minerva.” He said with a weak smile. It was odd calling his former professor by her first name, but they were in war and, formality be damned, he got a bit of an odd thrill from it. 

The cat, for her part, barely resisted the urge to roll her eyes before transforming back into her human state. 

“Any news?” She asked in her brisk, Scottish lilt. 

“Nothing that couldn’t have waited until the next Order meeting.” He responded tersely. “No need to check up on me.” 

He regretted his tone, but hated feeling so watched. They were all on edge. The past few missions had gone horribly wrong. The Death Eaters seemed to know their plans, anticipating every move. No one was saying it out loud, but there was a leak. A spy in their midst. One of their own was ratting The Order out to the Death Eaters. People were dying and Remus felt absolutely helpless. 

To add to everything, his reconnaissance missions with a local pack of werewolves were not going as well as he had hoped. The other wolves did not trust him. They could smell the scent of civilization on him; the rich scent of wand magic in his veins. As much as he knew it might help, he could not let himself give up the one thing that brought him peace quite yet. He couldn’t leave Sirius, abandon his friends, and totally commit to joining the pack. He was only twenty one for Merlin’s sake! 

He could tell that Dumbledore was disappointed. That he would much rather Remus be treated like a stray dog and kicked out to live with his kind in the woods, to only report back with news. Still, there were some things that he could not bring himself to do. Not even for Dumbledore. Not yet. 

All he knew was that more and more people were being bitten. There were too many new wolves howling at the full moon every month. He shuddered to remember their terrified eyes. 

The screams at their second transformations were the worst. 

The first transformations happened quickly enough. They were usually too shocked to resist, too scared to scream. The second transformation was when they already knew the pain, when they fought the shift with everything they had. This was not something to fight, Remus had learned. It just made it hurt more. 

There were rumors, though, that he hardly dared let himself think of, let himself believe in. There were rumors of the development of a potion that would help his kind control themselves during the moon. That would act as a balm to the pain of transforming, that would keep him in his own mind the entire time. Remus did not dare to let himself hope that this  _ wolfsbane _ would work. A gentle and calm transformation was far more than he deserved. 

His body pulsed in pain as he stood there, an ever present reminder of his condition. He could feel a bone deep ache in every single joint in his body. His hips, knees, shoulders, down to the little joints in his toes and fingers throbbed in waves. It was a terrible thing to be so self aware.

Remus cleared his throat. His brain felt foggy from the effort on focusing on anything but his tortured body.

“Is  _ he… _ Is he home?” Remus asked, trying to keep his tone neutral and not quite succeeding.

“I have not seen Sirius Black since you left.”

Two whole days, then.

“Right, well. I am going to go inside and finish healing myself. I need some sleep. Thanks for waiting up for me.”

Remus felt sore as he limped out of the alley and up the stairs. The wolf missed playing with Padfoot, Prongs, and Wormtail. It was taking out its frustration on him. These last few moons had been worse than they had in years. Hopefully Dumbledore would see the futile nature of his undercover missions with the local packs soon. Then he could go back to happier moons spent adventuring with  _ his  _ pack. He wasn’t sure how much more of this he could take. 

All the lights were off in the apartment. Remus flicked his wand to turn them on and sat down on the threadbare couch with a grunt. Salves and bandages waited for him on the coffee table. That was something, at least. Sirius had left them out for him. That had to be a sign that he was still… that he still cared. Remus tried not to remember the mornings when he would wake up from a transformation with his wounds already being tended to and his head resting in Sirius’ lap, with the smell of freshly brewed tea with far too much sugar fighting to mask the rank scent of his own blood. 

No. The kettle looked cold on the counter. The apartment was empty. They were in the middle of a war and Remus scolded himself for wishing that they weren’t. Of course Sirius had tasks of his own to complete for The Order just as he himself did. He couldn’t always be there right when Remus came home. Of course Remus should not expect that. That thought did nothing to calm his boiling thoughts. 

Remus continued the arduous task of healing himself from the night before. A particularly nasty tear across his left leg needed careful attention. He ached. His bones and joints radiated a deep, throbbing pain. It cramped through his muscles and he swore he could feel it down to his marrow. The nights leading up to and away from the moon were the hardest. His every atom screamed in protest at the unnatural force of his transformations. There was blissful, brief relief at the midway point between full moons. Remus lived for those days. Those were the one or two days a month where he had absolutely no pain, assuming that he didn’t have any especially difficult to heal injuries from the last moon. Remus feared that those days were limited. The wolf could feel his anxiety and was becoming more and more cruel.

“Remus, Remus, wake up, love.”

Remus blinked awake with his neck even stiffer than when he sat down. He must have fallen asleep on the couch, gauze still in hand. His wounds had been closed magically and something warm and hopeful fluttered in Remus’ stomach when he recognized Sirius’ work.

“Time ‘s it?” He asked groggily. 

“It’s late. Just past midnight. Let’s get you to bed.”

Sirius helped Remus to his feet and walked him to their creaky bed. He pulled the sweater over Remus’s head and helped him get undressed, smiling fondly at him. It was that smile that could calm the storm clouds of Remus’ mind and immediately brighten his day. He stared a moment longer than truly necessary, willing himself to see the love there. There clearly was love there, so why did Remus feel so uneasy?

Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus and held him tight that night, taking no notice of the guilty, judgmental beat of Remus’ heart. Where had Sirius been? Why did he feel so afraid to ask?

***

“What were you hiding?” Remus asked as they stared over the moor together; finally daring to speak out loud the doubts that had lurked in the back of his mind for the last fifteen years. “You weren’t the spy, I know that now, but there was something you weren’t telling me. Was there… Was there someone else? Was that it? Did you finally realize what I’d been telling you for years, that I wasn’t worth it? That you deserve someone who doesn’t turn into a monster every month, someone who can hold down a job and just be  _ normal _ ?”

“Remus John Lupin.” Sirius said and his tone was unreadable. “Don’t you  _ dare _ say that. You are more worthy of love than anyone I have ever met. That heart inside you is where you live, and that heart is better than anyone else’s, furry little problems be damned.”

“Then what was it?” Remus asked again, ignoring the praise. He certainly was not any of those things. He was not then and he absolutely was not now. Now, least of all would he consider himself to be  _ worthy. _

Sirius wrapped his arms around his chest, suddenly quiet and still. It was enough of a shift to pull Remus out of the self loathing that threatened to spiral. 

“There was a ring.”

“What?”

“There was a ring.” Sirius repeated slowly. Haltingly. “I was looking for a ring for you. Wanted it to be perfect. James was helping. We were making the plan together. I… I didn’t want you to find out early and spoil the surprise. I didn’t want to ruin the moment. We needed something happy, something just for us.”

“A ring?”

Sirius smiled sadly.

“The plan was for mid-November. There was a meteor shower coming two weeks after the full. I was going to take you stargazing. I was going to point out how the shooting stars were from the Orion constellation and didn’t they just look so perfect together, lighting up against the thin moon. How they seemed to complete each other. How you completed me. I was going to offer you a ring. I very much hoped you’d accept it.” 

“Sirius, I-”

“Ah, no matter. Fate had other plans.”

Remus didn’t know what to say. A ring. He buried his face in Sirius’s neck and held him tight to hide his own tears. 

“The North Sea is foggy, you know.” Sirius said after a long pause. “Constant storms out there on that damned rock. It’s impossible to see the stars. I watched for them on that night that should have been  _ our _ night and wouldn’t you know the sky was perfectly clear? For one perfect hour, right at the peak of the meteor shower, the fog lifted. It was the only night in all those twelve years I could see the stars.”

Remus curled closer into Sirius and wept twelve years’ worth of tears for the life that might have been. Sirius did not let go. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: I went on a bit of a research binge when planning this chapter and there was indeed a meteor shower exactly halfway between full moons in mid November that was visible from London in 1981. The meteors in that shower were from the Orion constellation. It seems way too perfect to be true, but it actually happened in real life. When I saw this, I knew what had to happen that night in this fic. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!


	12. Chapter 12

Remus stared into his cup of tea at Number 12 Grimmauld Place. He considered swallowing it down quickly and refilling it with firewhiskey. Or perhaps just going straight for the bottle. Sirius had not been out of Azkaban for very long and he could feel the tension from too many unsaid words pricking at his skin. No. He had spent too long beneath a bottle in the past decade and then some. This was, perhaps, best done sober. 

“Hang on, what was your plan that night? Hagrid said that when you gave him the bike you told him you wouldn’t be needing it anymore.”

Sirius sighed and rubbed his forehead before bubbling with laughter. It was wild and uncontrollable and reminded Remus of so many wanted posters. 

“James was dead, Moony. What was the point?” 

Remus tried not to bristle. Sirius was still hurting over this. This was the pain and years of isolation talking. Of course it was. But over a decade of similar thoughts pecked at him, taking little bites of his self control and self worth. 

“Yes. What was the point.” Remus agreed. “I was waiting for you, in  _ our _ home. I lost everyone important to me in one night, thought  _ you’d _ killed the three people who mattered the most to me, and had to watch Harry get handed over to strangers because I’m too much of a monster to take care of him. But you went and threw yourself away, acted first before thinking like you always do.”

“Oh come on, don’t tell me that this is also about the-”

“The  _ Prank _ ? It wasn’t funny, Sirius, I don’t know how you still don’t understand that.”

“That was years ago, Moony. We were in Hogwarts. I didn’t understand.”

“Oh, and now you do? Now you understand? You would have had me kill him, Padfoot. I would have  _ killed _ Severus Snape and that’s not an exaggeration. The Ministry would’ve put me down like the beast I am and they would be completely in the right.”

“Merlin’s beard.” Sirius said, in a tone cold enough that it stopped Remus’ ranting. “That’s it, isn’t it? That prank is how you thought I could do it. How you imagined I could kill James and Lily and Peter. Did you really think me that cruel?” 

Remus could only stare back. It was all the answer Sirius needed. 

“Fuck, Rem. I had twelve years in the worst hell imaginable to wonder about when I’d lost you. I didn’t realize it was in fifth year. Never considered it was before we even got together. You’ve been holding this resentment all this time?” 

“Selfish.” Remus spat, unable to stop himself. “Even now you’re turning this back to be my fault.” 

Sirius deflated at that. 

“I am.” He admitted. “Selfish. I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to prove otherwise to you.” 

They settled into an uncomfortable silence. Remus sipped his too cold and over brewed tea, grimacing at the bitter tannins.

“You tried to keep him, then? Harry? I’d hoped you would. Lily would’ve liked that, you’d have read to him every night, would’ve been a much better choice of godparent than me.I still can’t believe James chose me for that. Godparent. He should’ve known that if he went we’d be going together.” 

“You didn’t go together though.” Remus reminded him not unkindly.

“I meant to.” Sirius did not meet Remus’ eyes. “You tried to keep Harry though?”

“Of course I tried. You romanticize things too much though, Sirius. It wouldn’t have been safe. Who would’ve watched him while I transformed? What if he were curious when he was a bit older and he opened my cage? I could have bitten him. I couldn’t afford to feed myself after the war, much less raise a child. Without you and James around to keep me in galleons I had  _ nothing _ . No one would hire someone who disappeared every month around the full moon, not even in the muggle world.. Dumbledore was right, it was much safer for him to be with his aunt and uncle.”

“Dumbledore.” Sirius said bitterly. “What does he know?” 

“More than most.”

***

“I thought about that a lot.” Sirius admitted, staring across the gentle waves of grass that cast dreamy shadows in the light of the glowing lichen. “What our lives would have been like if I just didn’t go after Peter. If I’d stayed home with you that night.”

Flashes of the life that could have been leapt unbidden to the front of Remus’ mind. Baby Harry giggling at the moving pictures in a children’s book, sounding out the words with Remus. Watching Harry run in a park, a big black dog nipping playfully by his side. Quiet nights with Sirius’ head in his lap as he read, comfortable in the warm glow of a fire. Eating ice cream with Harry in Diagon Alley. Going with him to choose a wand and owl. Waving as the train left Platform 9 ¾ to take Harry to Hogwarts, one of Sirius’ arms wrapped about his waist. Listening to Harry’s stories about Hogwarts and his friends around a Christmas tree in a far too small flat that encouraged closeness and comfort. 

Somehow in this fantasy Voldemort never came back. His doubts about Sirius’ loyalty never passed Halloween night. The ache of James and Lily’s loss, Peter’s betrayal seemed more manageable. His skin didn’t tear, bones didn’t break with the pull of the moon. It was a perfect dream. But that’s all it was. 

“It’s not healthy to dwell on the past this way.” Remus said instead. 

“I’m dead, Rem. The past is all I’ve got. I thought you wanted me to remember, anyway.”

“I did! I do, I just. I don’t want you to hurt.” Remus hesitated. “And there is more than just the past for you, if you want it. We can leave here. I came to take you with me, to take you back, if you’d like.” 

“I don’t understand.”

“Leave with me, Sirius. Come home. Your name is cleared, we’ll get that flat in London again. Or maybe a little cottage by the sea where you can run on the beach as much as you’d like, get saltwater in your hair. Harry is older now, but I’m sure he’d visit. We’ll keep a room for him, make sure he always has a place to go home to. We can try again for the life we missed.”

Sirius stared at him, an unreadable look in his eyes. Remus thought he saw longing there, or maybe it was fear. 

“Hades said that if I could get you to remember, to agree to come with me, that he’d let you leave. Please, Sirius. There is so much I regret. I’ll never make it up to you, but give me the chance to try. Please.”

“Alright.” He said finally, running a hand through his long black hair before reaching forward to cup Remus’ face. “Alright. Let’s go.” 

Remus let himself lean forward now, gave his lips permission to find Sirius’. The kiss was slow and deep. It whispered of guilt and penitence, desire and yearning. Remus sighed into it, feeling what could only be described as hope for the first time in a long time. His hands tangled in Sirius’ thick hair without his conscious decision. He had missed this, the way they fit together so perfectly. Kissing Sirius set every nerve ending on fire. It made him ache in a way so different from the ache of the moon. 

When they pulled apart, breathing raggedly, Sirius held Remus’ head in his hands and Remus felt his whole body relax. A rough thumb wiped his cheeks, and Remus was surprised to find that they were smoothing away tears. Remus tilted his head to kiss Sirius’ large palm. Gentle. Loving. Filled with every regret and every daydream. Oh, how he had missed this. This simple comfort of being with someone who knew him entirely and loved him still. 

“Shhh,” Sirius soothed, as if comforting a flighty hippogriff, “I’m here. I’m right here. We’ll go now. We’ll go together.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're nearly at the end now, dear readers. You won't wait so long for the next update as it just needs a few tweaks, thanks for sticking with me. 
> 
> Remus' fantasy world is a reality in another fic that I'm writing called "Hold On To This Lullaby" if you'd like something a bit fluffier to read.


	13. Chapter 13

Hades appeared almost as soon as the decision was made. Remus tensed at the deity’s sudden appearance, feeling spied upon. Why had he assumed that there would be privacy, here of all places? He cringed at the thought that someone else had heard the secrets they’d whispered, the things they’d confessed. Still, if it meant Sirius could come back with him, Remus would take any embarrassment. 

“We’re ready.” Sirius said for him.

Hades stared at the two of them for what felt like ages. Remus fought to meet his gaze evenly. It felt like legilimency, like a deep examination of every thought he’d ever had. He did not flinch away. 

Not at first.

Remus began to feel nervous. Surely Hades should have said something by now? What if he’d been deemed not worthy. Sirius deserved better, he owed him this.

“We’re leaving now,” Remus said finally, glancing away. “Together.” 

“I told you before, I do not so easily give up what is under my care,” Hades said in that voice of smoke and thunder. It shuddered through Remus’ bones. Swam in his blood. He took Sirius’ hand to steady himself and ignored his partner’s worried glance. “I will, however, give you a chance. You may return to the world of the living under one condition. Trust is what divided you so many times before, do not let it divide you now. Remus, you may lead Sirius out of the underworld. Sirius, you follow behind. If you turn to make sure he follows, he will return to me. Under these conditions will I let you leave.”

“Playing games with us?” Remus snorted in disgust. This felt like one of Dumbledore’s silly little trials. A totally unnecessary test of loyalty. 

“Making assurances.” Hades responded simply. If he was offended by Remus’ challenge, he made no sign of it.

“We’ll do it.” Sirius promised. Remus looked deeply into his grey eyes, seeing his own desperately worried face reflected back in the wide pupils.

“We’ll do it.” He echoed. 

***

The way back was dark as the constellation of glowing lichen faded behind them. Remus thought of other walks and other tunnels. The sweet smelling hidden passage to Honeydukes. He remembered the first time they clambered down the secret tunnel and gaped in surprise at the riches on the other side. Remus imagined that the precise tone of James’ excited shriek of victory still echoed there. Sneaking back up the tunnel with arms full of chocolates was about as happy as he had ever been. 

Just keep walking.

This time, walking through the dark and empty train tunnel with Sirius reminded Remus of so many dusk marches to the Shrieking Shack. There was that same sense of dread, that something could go wrong at any minute. He felt like something dangerous. His heart hammered in his chest and, even now, he could already feel the pull of the moon calling to his every cell as they drew closer to the surface. It beckoned him, whispering doubts that were only soothed by the steady footfall behind him. 

Just keep walking.

He remembered other walks to other places on other moons. The loneliness that shrieked through his bones. The wolf had felt it, after James and Lily died. After Peter had supposedly been blown to bits. After Sirius betrayed them all. At first it fought harder, missing the companionship of the stag, rat, and the beautiful black dog that formed its pack. The injuries from the first few years after that Halloween were enough to bring back echoes of Madame Pomfrey’s predictions from so long ago.  _ Likely terminal _ . He laid there some mornings, waiting to see if it had been enough, if the wolf had made a choice that he could not. He would eventually get up, though. He always got up. 

Just keep walking. 

In time, the wolf, too, grew accustomed to being alone and it gentled somewhat. He became used to that lonely longing, of the pain in his heart that was sharper and deeper than that of anything the wolf could do to him. The memories of a pack, of that unmatched feeling of belonging, faded like the echoes of his own footsteps. Besides, it was easy enough to pretend that someone was with him in the dark. 

Just keep walking.

That same sense of being alone that had haunted him for twelve years crept back into its familiar home in his bones. It had never left him, really. The feeling had simply compressed itself, hidden away until he reached for it again. Familiar in his hand, it was always there, just waiting. Loneliness knew him well. Knew him better than anything else. He had doubted Sirius longer than he’d loved him, after all. 

Could he keep walking?

And that was it, wasn’t it? Could he really have been such a fool? He wanted Sirius back desperately, with all of his being. He wanted him back enough that he could feel the man’s presence behind him, could hear breathing responding to his own. Was this just another trick of the mind? Just another conjuring from a lonely man delirious with loss? Another game played by men who thought they were powerful when really they were just cruel? He listened harder, hoping to hear a difference in the soft footfalls echoing along the tracks. There was none. Simply the echo of his own footsteps.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. He breathed in.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. He breathed out.

The familiar counting of beats and steps did not calm him. It was too even. Too steady. Too  _ individual. _ His breathing came quicker and quicker still until he could no longer pick up a difference between one breath and the next, much less his own and someone else’s. 

He was alone. It was madness to think otherwise. He was as alone here as he had been for years. He was alone and-

“Remus.”

Remus turned around. 

Sirius stood there, arm extended to take his hand. A comfort and a promise. 

“You’re here.” Remus choked out. 

“Breathe now, it’s alright. You’re alright. Steady now.”

“You followed me.”

“I’d follow you anywhere, Remus.” 

And that was the crux of it. Sirius was solid in front of him. So solid. His hand was firm in Remus’ own. Sirius’ eyes were filled with worry that was not aimed at himself. 

“Oh, Merlin. I’m sorry, Sirius, I’m so sorry. I did it again. I doubted you.”

“No. You doubted  _ you,”  _ Sirius said. “It’s alright, love. This was how it was always going to be. The dead do not return to the living. Go back to Harry. Go save the world and live a long life. Send a couple of Death Eaters my way. You and I  _ will  _ meet again. Take your time coming back to me.”

“When did you get so wise?”

Without an answer, Sirius kissed him. Remus could taste goodbye on his lips. Forgiveness on his tongue. His soft hair brushed against Remus’ forehead. When Remus opened his eyes it was not hair he could see but sheer fabric, moving with an unseen wind. 

Remus was on the other side of the veil once more. Alone.

It all happened so quickly.

Sirius would forgive him if he wept, if he mourned, but not if he stayed there. Not if he gave up the freedoms that Sirius so desperately loved in life. With more surety than he felt, Remus turned from the veil and kept walking. Somehow, he believed Sirius. He would survive this.

If he glanced back once or twice, who would know?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for following me through this journey.


End file.
